What’s the biggest social sin you can commit on the tube? Also, will Lime bikes be missed? – Chiswick’s Angsty Aunt

Our very own Angsty Aunt is back this week to tackle the always relevant topic of tube etiquette, and also wish a wistful goodbye to Lime bikes in Hounslow. If you’ve got a question or query for the Angsty Aunt, be it local to Chiswick or global, get in touch by clicking here.

“What’s the most annoying thing someone can do on the tube?”

Ironic, really, that this is a question of the week, I think to myself as I pick a can of Tyskie (a brand of lager) off the seat next to me.

Etiquette is a bedrock of the English, that silent assassin of relationships, that oh so precious commodity we demand in each other. It’s a shame, really, that all things public transport put us to the ultimate test.

For the most part, once I’m aboard, my only priority is ignoring everyone else around me. I think this is a perfectly acceptable approach. I don’t have a sardine brain. I like my space.

And thus, we reach candidate no. 1: Pride. Now, let me be clear, the bag on the spare seat is tactical separation. It’s a tried and trusted approach that isn’t necessarily ‘wrong’. However, if someone is trying to sit down, you must cede your position.

Unfortunately, not everybody shares this sunny disposition. People should know when they are beaten and make way.

Candidate no. 2: Greed. Some of us do have longer legs, it’s true, but no one needs that much. Some go so far as to spread their legs so far it covers half the carriage. Bastards!

Candidate no. 3: Lust.

Candidate no. 4: Sloth. If you know you’re getting off, don’t wait for the doors to open, for people to start shuffling, water to become wine, a general election, a world war. Just get off.

Candidate no.5: Wrath is next up. We’ve all seen it. Somebody who can’t handle their drink has had one too many and is starting to lash out. Evacuation is inevitable. Refuge is not always guaranteed, only adding to the unforgivable nature of candidate no. 5.

Candidate no. 6: Gluttony brings up the rear of deadly sins. This is the one I feel the least strongly about. Most of what people drink and eat doesn’t concern me. Just don’t leave it there. I see grown adults on the tube who seemed to have missed out on basic potty training.

Of all the sins, however, none come close to the most annoying of all:

Candidate no.7: Envy. Stay with me here.

Despite the full spectrum of life that can be found inside the tube, what gets my blood hottest is what happens outside it.

If a bunch of people are all crowded into a tin can, and some are trying to get out, the absolute worst thing you can do is try and cram as many more in as possible before that process happens.

Let people off the tube before boarding it yourself!

What hurts me the most, as I glare at these commuters, is the lack of rationale. Your selfishness is only serving to delay the procedure. It makes no sense why you’d rush, other than to grab a seat for yourself.

If that’s the case, you probably don’t need or deserve it.

When people put the blinders on, and ignore common courtesy, all hell breaks loose. So I beg, I plead, if you are a premature boarder, please have a good look at yourself.

Obituary Column: Lime Bikes

There are precious few companies that earn the begrudging respect of most millennials. Though not without its faults, Lime’s e-bikes were a pioneering product that gave us all a little more freedom to stay out later, see the night out a little longer.

Going home felt safer, and more efficient.

In a pinch, we had a quick fix. A flat tyre was the only thing that could get in our way. But now, those days are at an end.

Lime was not the only company to make this kind of bike, but its star burned the brightest, fiercely defending its market majority on the e-bike market against its prowling competitors, Voi and Forest.

READ ALSO: Lime bikes lose contract to Forest and Voi in LB Hounslow

However, it has been decreed by The Council of Elders that Lime has become a burden upon our streets, and must be vanquished.

A geo-fence (fancy term for exclusion zone) has since been set up in Chiswick and across Hounslow, proudly rebuffing all who try to set foot on these shores from their cursed mounts.

Between the driving restrictions in Chiswick, bike lanes on the high road reducing car space, and this most recent ban, residents may be left wondering how long it is before their legs may be struck from them – likely in a noble effort to preserve our precious pavements.

It is another daring act of defiance against free, convenient movement that has left certain people, such as this writer, wondering if the council really do want people here on anybody’s terms except for their own. They’re doing a very good job of suggesting otherwise.

During a recent walk between Kew Bridge and Chiswick Bridge, I noticed one of these bikes on the banks of the Thames. I can only assume that it was thrown into the river by some cretinous “bike basher” (new terminology sent from The Party) and left to rot.

I expect it will be turned into a memorial, where these villainous swine may solemnly gather to remember the glory days of havoc wreaked onto Chiswick’s good citizens.

Fare thee well, oh glorious Lime Bike. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. And now, it is at its end…

E-bikes, by the way, aren’t going anyway – Lime’s chief competitors, Voi and Forest, won the contract with a winning ticket of promising to increase restrictions on parking measures, something Lime already promised to do.

So… nothing’s changed?